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Donald Trump
is taking a hard stand against crime.

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The former president

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took out a full page newspaper ad today
calling for the death penalty for himself.

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Trump was accused of 34 felony counts.

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Called himself a crazed maniac and a dog
who needs to be put down.

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The ad, which cost Trump over $1 million,
then called New York soft on crime

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and declared that death was the only way
to ensure he cannot rape, maim or kill.

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Once again,

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shortly after the ad was published, Trump
announced that he, quote, needed

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to set an example to the others as he was
seen raising a loaded gun to his head.

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Authorities in San Francisco
have stopped a potential office shooting

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that was being planned by this
bullied loner.

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Colleagues describe the would be shooter
as a, quote, complete loser who was hated

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by everyone, including his coworkers,
all of whom he planned to kill.

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Authorities
first became aware of the attempted

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massacre when the unhinged maniac
tweeted out a disturbing manifesto

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leading FBI agents to arrest the deranged
individual at his home where he was found

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covered in blood, attempting
to implant a brain chip into his skull.

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This 104 year old man was just awarded
the World War two Medal of Victory

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just to be nice.

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In a press conference,

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the VA justified the award, claiming
Deacon technically did survive the war,

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just not on the battlefield,
but rather as a factory worker in Iowa,

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and that he sells
many of the same ailments

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that actual veterans suffer
from due to his unhealthy lifestyle.

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We even got him one of those fancy hats
to make the awards seem more legitimate

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to be as if the public
truly doesn't approve of the award.

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They'll just remove it from his body
when he inevitably dies in a few weeks.

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It's time to strip down and soap up

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because Walgreens has announced
that they'll now be offering baths.

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You heard me.

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You can take a bath inside a Walgreens.

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The drugstore chain's new hygiene
on the go.

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Options include a basic scrub down for
just 1499 with all the added convenience

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of a clawfoot tub being available
right in the middle of the store.

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Scrub it up double.

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This southwestern casserole is so good,
it will be the only thing

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your kids remember about you
after you die.

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It's super easy to make and so delicious.

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Trust me,
this alone will be your legacy 60 years

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from now,
when you're rotting in a box in the dirt.

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Nothing you do will ever be able
to compare to this casserole.

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No act, no matter how big or small.

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Take them to Disney World.

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Teach them a drive, save their life.

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Just one bite and your kids
won't want your money, your wisdom,

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or even your love.

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Just that irresistible
Southwestern flavor.

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At your funeral.

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Your children will cry,
but only because the mere sight

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of your lifeless corpse
makes them so hungry for casserole.

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And one day,

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when your kids have children of their own,
they'll ask, What was grandma like?

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And they'll respond, Honestly,
I have no clue.

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But I do remember a casserole.

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Wow. And just like that.

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Dinner is served. Come and get it, kids.