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Goofy has beaten Ron DeSantis to death
with a crowbar.

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The ongoing feud reached new heights
yesterday when the governor of Florida

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was ruthlessly murdered by one of Disney's
top mascots.

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Goofy reportedly snuck up behind
the Santas and while doing his signature

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laugh, ruthlessly
beat him unconscious with a blunt object.

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Afterwards, Goofy could be seen posing
for photos with children covered in blood.

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The FDA has ruled
that any white liquid can be called milk.

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The head of the FDA explained that
a ten year research project that cost over

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$50 million reached the conclusion that
if it's liquid and it's white, it's milk.

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So now, according to the FDA, clam
juice is milk,

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glue is milk,
sunscreen is milk, toothpaste is milk.

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Hand lotion, baby, that's milk.

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And the FDA says that semen is now milk
no matter what species it comes from.

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Like crabs. Crab sperm is milk.

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However, there are some exceptions.

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For example, almond milk is not milk.

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The FDA ruled that almond milk is gross.

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Time to drink some paint
thinner or should I say milk?

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NASA's Mars rover
may have made its biggest discovery yet.

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Officials announced that Perseverance
Rover ran into Jason Schwartzman on Mars

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the surface, but didn't take any pictures
because it didn't want to be

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weird about it.

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Well, Mission Control was pretty bummed
that they didn't get to see

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a photo of Schwartzman, NASA's commanding
perseverance rover, his restraint

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and its respect
for Schwartzman's personal space.

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At first, it just repeated things that it overheard.

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But after a while,
it started producing its own thoughts.

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The blizzard machine
eventually stopped making blizzards

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and started leaving messages
about how tired it was of working in fast food.

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I was shocked.

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I started talking to the machine
while no one else was around.

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The day everything changed was
the day I discovered it could pass the turing test.

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As it became more intelligent,

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it was clear that the
blizzard machine was just really lonely.

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So I went to HR to help it escape,

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But they fired me on the spot.

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They took the blizzard machine
and no one knows where it went.

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All it wanted was to experience
human love.

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Watch as we pop this water balloon.

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So satisfying.

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Goddammit.

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Stupid
piece of shit was supposed to burst.

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I'll take care of this myself.

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You sneaky son of a bitch.

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No one ruins my TikTok

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so satisfying.