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♪ Sheep of the family ♪

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- A man has to look his best
when it's time to get married

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or buried.

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- I'm going to need a gun.

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- This is Peter Rosenthal, head
film critic for "The Onion."

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Today I'll be looking at
"John Wick: Chapter 4,"

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the latest entry in the franchise

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following the titular
assassin as he fights, stabs,

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and shoots his foes in a
bloody quest for vengeance,

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despite the fact that
the Bible clearly states

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that killing is a sin.

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Building on past installments

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in the high octane action series,

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the film follows John Wick
as he battles for freedom

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from the council of crime
lords known as The High Table,

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a vendetta that shows a blatant disregard

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for the sacred command the
Lord bestowed upon humanity

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in Exodus 20:13,

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"Thou shalt not kill."

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Despite this crystal-clear commandment,

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John Wick puzzlingly
spends the film's runtime

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either ignoring or intentionally
flouting God's edicts

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as he guns down his so-called enemies

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and even pummels his fellow man to death.

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Even without being born again

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into the faith of our
savior, Jesus Christ,

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a passing knowledge of the Old Testament

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should make Wick aware of the
divine law against killing

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that the prophet Moses
brought down from Mount Sinai

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etched into stone, spoken
to him by Elohim himself.

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Strangely, however, he
still repeatedly commits

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this transgression without
once attending confession

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and repenting for his sins.

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While the character of John Wick

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does have redeeming qualities,

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seeing as he never
covets another man's wife

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or creates a graven image before the Lord

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to engage in idol worship,

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audiences will likely feel
these apparent virtues undercut

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by his willingness to spill the blood

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of fellow children of God,

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as if the love and grace
of our Heavenly Father

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doesn't matter to him at all.

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Admittedly, the film
makes some flimsy attempts

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to justify Wick's sinful nature,

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suggesting that his foes are also sinners

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who have strayed out of
the light of the Lord,

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but most filmgoers will easily see through

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this theologically misguided perspective

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which does not absolve John
Wick of his wickedness.

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As we find in the Lord's
word in Romans 12:19,

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"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves,

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"but rather give place unto wrath

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"for is written vengeance
is mine, saith the Lord."

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I mean, how could that be more clear?

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Killing is wrong.

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Still, while audiences
will no doubt be saddened

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by John Wick's inability
to accept the Holy Spirit

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into his heart while he succumbs
to Lucifer's temptations,

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many will find solace in knowing

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that the Lord will eventually
be avenged sevenfold

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with John Wick someday
facing divine retribution

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for living in defiance
of sacred ordinances,

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perhaps carried out by
the swift flaming sword

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of the archangel Gabriel,

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or by St. Peter himself denying Wick entry

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into the shining gates
of Heaven's kingdom.

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Ultimately, one can only
hope that any sequel

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to "John Wick 4" follows
the character's journey

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into repentance as he accepts the warm,

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loving embrace of the Lord

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and chooses to solve his
problems not with violence,

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but instead by falling to his
knees, taking out his rosary,

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and seeking the guidance
of the Almighty God.

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And if not, audiences can
at least rest easy knowing

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that after he dies, John Wick
will go directly to hell.

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For "The Onion's Film
Standard," I'm Peter Rosenthal.