WEBVTT

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(cheerful piano music)

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- This is Isaiah Colbera,
the otaku of Kotaku.

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Well, I enjoy a good crime drama

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with the best bread tech in the business.

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(air whooshes)

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What keeps me playing Ryu
Ga Gotoku's "Yakuza" series

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isn't its main storyline,
but its side quest.

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(air whooshes)

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Mainly this gem of a mini
game, the Cabaret Club.

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(air whooshes)

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As of this recording, RGG
Studio are in the midst

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of the final round of the
Cabaret Club auditions

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for "Like a Dragon Gaiden:
The Man Who Erased His Name."

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(air whooshes)

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The Cabaret Club is a
time management simulator

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similar to games like "Cooking
Mama" or "Overcooked."

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(air whooshes)

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You play dress-up with your hostesses,

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swap out their rotations

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like a basketball coach
in the third quarter,

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and neutralize any
problems that might arise

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during business hours.

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(air whooshes)

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This glittery sports game is so good

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you'll ignore Haruka getting kidnapped

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for the umpteenth time.

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Just a bop to the top
of the cabaret charts.

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Outside of the forthcoming Gaiden,

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"Yakuza 0" and "Yakuza Kiwami
2" are the only Yak games

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that have this engrossing mini-game.

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Among the audition finalist
is Twitch VTuber Kson,

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(air whooshes)

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who I pray RGG puts
into Gaiden as they did

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with Nyanners and Ishin.

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She should make the final cut.

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(air whooshes)

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In that spirit I've decided
to scrounge up my own fancast

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for the next cabaret hosts and hostesses.

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First up is the Australian stunt actor

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professional wrestler, singer,

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and deadlift Lolita, Ladybeard.

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Honestly, Ladybeard over qualifies

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to feature in a "Yakuza" game.

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Seeing as how he's covered every base

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of a side splitting side quest.

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His lived experiences alone
would make his host flowchart

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nothing but S's across the board.

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(air whooshes)

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Next, is a genderless,
zero-year-old fairy baby

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otter mascot, Chiitan.

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If you've ever seen any of
Chiitan's viral videos online,

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you know they're a wild card
When it comes to attempting

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and completing even the simplest of tasks.

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The unofficial representative
of the city of Susaki

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must be immortalized in a "Yakuza" game.

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Hell, RGG could even write
a storyline where Chiitan

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is Ono Michio's long-lost
child or something.

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(air whooshes)

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No professional wrestler's
storyline screams Yakuza

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more than Tokyo Joshi Pro's fired pop idol

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and prettiest girl in
the world, Maki Itoh.

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(air whooshes)

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- Surprise, mother (beep).

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(friends cheering)

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- Don't let her cutesy demeanor fool you.

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She's brash, she swears like a sailor,

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and we will headbutt you into oblivion.

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As a propagandist

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for the Maki Itoh Respect
Army conglomerate,

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I am for RGG to put her in its next game.

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(air whooshes)

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Last and certainly not least,

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Japanese voice actor Kenjiro Tsuda.

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You look me in the eye and you tell me

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you wouldn't wanna put
little bunny ears on Kenjiro

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while he and Ichiban wax poetic

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about the hard-knock
life of being a Yakuza.

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Plus, he could tell you good
morning, merry Christmas,

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or just say that you're cute
in that raspy voice of his.

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(air whooshes)

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- [Kenjiro] Merry Christmas.

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(air whooshes)

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- Let us know in the comment section below

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if you adore Yakuza's
Cabaret Club as much as I do,

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and who you'd fancast as
a future host or hostess.

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Yakuza forever, kotaku.com.

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(cheerful piano music fades out)