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This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic
for The Onion.

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And welcome to the special Oscar
preview edition of the Film

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Standard, where we'll be taking a look
at some of the nominees for Hollywood's

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biggest night.

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Nominees who, win or lose, we must admit,

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are the products of nepotism.

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Yes, virtually

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all the nominees this year are my children
who were so filled

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with shame due to my abandonment of them
that they changed their last names.

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Nevertheless, I've boosted their careers
from behind the scenes

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by by wielding my influence
as a powerful industry figure.

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Leading the race this year is breakout

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hit. Everything Everywhere, All At Once
with a record 11 Oscar noms.

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The film is all but certain to score
at least one for supporting actor

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nominee Ke Huy Quan's
magnetic performance as

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Waymond Wang. Alongside
my darling boy

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Ke, are my other precious sons, Brendan

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Barry and Brian.
And my eldest from my first marriage,

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Judd. Hello boys.

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Ke. Brendan. Barry.

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Brian. Judd.

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It's Papa.

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I'm sorry I left you.

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Daddy was under a lot of stress
after you were born and

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he made some

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bad choices.

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Facing down Everything
Everywhere All At Once

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for the night's biggest prize
is The Fabelmans. Steven Spielberg’s

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semi-autobiographical, coming of age story
and my pick for Best Picture.

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I was moved by Spielberg's
poignant depiction of what it was like

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to grow up as my son in the fifties
and sixties, and particularly

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touched by Michelle Williams's performance
as the free spirited Mitzi.

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Though I'll admit,
it was strange to see my daughter

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portraying my ex-wife.

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Shocking many,

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the Academy nominated five first time
Oscar nominees in the Best Actor category.

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Competing in what will be the night's
most cutthroat race,

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are my little Irish lads Colin Farrell

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and Paul Mescal
for their respective work in Banshees

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on Inishren and Aftersun.
Bill Nighy for Living.

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Oh, look, Look
how big and strong you've grown,

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Billy. And my baby boy.

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Austin Butler for Elvis. And my pick
for his comeback performance in the Whale.

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Brendan Fraser.

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Or should I say Brendan Rosenthal.

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Which
I guess wasn't a good enough name for him.

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To this day, my progeny have

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collected a total of 714 Academy Awards

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in categories ranging from Lifetime
achievement to Best Original Song.

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I have spread my seed across
six continents

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and into every nook
and cranny of the film industry,

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from directing and production
to costume design and hairstyling.

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Let's face it,

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one drop of my sperm is practically
a golden ticket to stardom at this point.

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And the reason is clear.

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My flesh and blood make up a staggering
82% of all eligible Academy voters.

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Yet one thing you won't see
at the Academy Awards

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Sunday night is a single one of my own kin

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thanking their good papa
in their Oscar acceptance speeches.

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All I'm saying is a little gratitude
would be nice,

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especially from that ungrateful
little brat Pinocchio,

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who I whittled out of the branches
of an eastern white pine myself.

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For The Onion's Film Standard.

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I'm Peter Rosenthal.