WEBVTT

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- Listen! (claps hands)

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The holiday season is upon us,

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and you know what that means:

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family members are gonna
get completely outta pocket,

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and these folks need to be called out.

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While we are appreciative
of having loved ones

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to celebrate and spend time with,

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this doesn't excuse
their reckless behavior,

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or their reckless mouths.

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No, Mama, I haven't gained weight.

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No, Grandma, I can't change
into a nicer outfit for dinner.

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Yes, I'm still single,

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and, no, I don't wanna meet
your coworker's uncle's son.

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Our relatives may have
the best intentions,

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but is holiday dinner really

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where you want to be lectured
by people in the family

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who don't know nothing about nothing?

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Especially the old heads

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who say off-the-wall (beep),

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and no one claps back because they're old?

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And stop trying to convince me

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that chitlins are a delicacy.

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I will never, ever, ever eat them.

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No, sir. No, no.

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No, I will not go back to school,

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and, yes, being a writer is a real job.

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And just because you know
how much I make doesn't mean

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you can clock how much I
spend on Christmas gifts.

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Stop pocket watching for real for real.

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And if we haven't seen
each other for a while,

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and I pop up at a holiday gathering,

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please don't ask me where I've been

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'cause we both know that you know.

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And I don't even want to get into

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how crazy Spades can be.

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And then someone always has
a smart ass remark to make

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when I confess that I
don't know how to play

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when y'all don't wanna teach me!

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Other no-nos: double-dipping
the appetizers,

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letting the dog sit at the table,

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bringing your entire
Tupperware collection with you

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to take home leftovers,

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and asking me to share my secret recipes

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because, guess what? They're a secret.

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So, nosy-ass relatives,

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if you don't know what to
do at these festivities,

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remember that shutting
the hell up is free.

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We know you have annoying
relatives this holiday season,

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so comment below to share your stories,

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and visit theroot.com for more.

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Happy holidays.

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(gentle music)