WEBVTT

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Oh. Oh.

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Season's greetings from your old friend
Santa.

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My, oh, my.

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Christmas Eve is already upon us,
and we can hardly

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contain ourselves here at the North Pole.

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But from the looks of it,
we are the only ones about to burst.

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Mrs. Claus and I and all of our helper
elves have been working hard

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to get all the good little boys
and girls out there, all the gifts

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they want this year.

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And you've been working
hard, too, haven't you?

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Oh, yes.

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You've been a naughty one
this year, said a nose,

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because I've been watching
you, little one.

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I saw you masturbating.

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Oh, don't be shy, little one.

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You know what Santas talking about?

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Santas is everything you do on
your extended trips to the computer room.

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Well, I see you when you're sleeping,
and I know when you're awake.

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I know what you've been up
to during your long showers.

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And I especially know

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when you've been pretending to be asleep
under your late night

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blanket tent or looking at the Victoria's
Secret app on that iPhone

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I brought you last year
just pounding away on your poor Yule log.

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You see
everybody knows at this time of year

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that Santa Claus is coming to town.

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But only Santa knows that you two
have been going to town on yourself

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multiple times a day, all year long.

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Oh, also, Mrs. Claus.

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She knows, too.

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And all my reindeer.

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And the elves. Yes.

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Just about everyone here in the North
Pole knows what

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you and your hairy palms have been up to.

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Where?

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Before we enjoyed visions of gumdrops
and candy canes.

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Now we see you once so dear to us

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all, kneeling against a plastic chair,
spitting on two fingers

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and putting them Lord knows where.

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And we think you're disgusting,
you pervert it.

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Now, Santa isn't religious or anything,

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but you should try to tone it down
just a bit, because I'm keeping a list,

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just like the one you keep in your head

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of all your favorite classmates,

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the one you've checked
so much more than twice.

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But when Santa thinks about his list,

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he doesn't rub his crotch feverishly
against the contours of his writing desk.

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Like you.

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Oh, what a prolific rascal. You bet.

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No, no, no, no.

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Not to worry.

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Your insistence
on being a filthy little deviant

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doesn't mean Santa won't be visiting you.

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Oh, no, no.

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It just means that instead of the video

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games or Lego set, you asked for,
you'll be getting boxes

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of tissues and tea towels and laundry
detergent this year.

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And while it might not be what you want,
it certainly will be what you need.

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He is sick.

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Oh, fuck. Oh.

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Do your laundry.

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Oh. Oh. Oh.

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Well, my.

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Look at you even after my warnings.

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You're at it again.

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Oh, you are in space.

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You know what?

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Well, I don't want to interrupt.

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Santo's got to get back to his workshop
anyhow.

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It sure is busy in there,
but not as busy as your shower drain.

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Trying to strain all that backed up.

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Come through your sister's hairs
and your mother's bath.

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Bomb residue and your dad's cum.

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But before I leave, you remember
good little children who leave out

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milk and cookies for Santa
and his reindeer get better presents.

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Just please remember
to wash your filthy little hands first.

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Have a merry Christmas. Ho!

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho, ho, ho.