WEBVTT

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- Hello, Nick.

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- Hi, how are you?

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- Good, how are you doing?

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- Good to be with you.

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I'm doing well.

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(upbeat music)

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- So first, tell me about
the conception for the book

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because via your podcast,

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you already give quite a
lot of folks advice, right?

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So why the the new medium?

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- It was kind of my
accident, to be honest.

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I didn't want to write a book.

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I do this thing, you know,
questions like on my social

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and I have these Q&A's

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and I've been doing it for
every week for like four years

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and I had like literally thousands

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that kind of saved over the
years and I thought to myself,

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well, this might be a fun,

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like let's put it all together
and make it look pretty

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and it'll be like a, you
know, coffee table book.

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- I want to get into a chapter

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that I was particularly struck by

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and I think a lot of people will be too.

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It's called "Training Your Picker".

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- Yeah.

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- And you really delineate

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between two particular types of men

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that most of us know,

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the fuckboi-

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- Or people, yeah or people.

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Can we swear?
- And players.

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Yeah, it's Jezebel, we're gonna swear.

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- Fuck, great.

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- So fuckbois and players, right?

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First of all, what
research did you have to do

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to be able to draw such clear distinctions

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between the two?

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- Well, I'm lucky enough

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that I get to talk to a lot of people

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about dating and relationships every week.

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I think there are people out there who,

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you know, I refer to them as players who,

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you know, have alternative
motives and can be deceitful

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and are trying to lead you down a path

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because they're trying
to get something from you

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and they're not really
looking for a relationship.

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That term that turned into fuckbois.

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- Right, but there's a difference

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- I think there's a difference.

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And the reason I think that

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is because players don't
want relationships,

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they just want to play people, right?

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And I think most fuckbois

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have the intent of wanting
a relationship someday.

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Their goal,

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all fuckbois love the idea
of having kids and a family.

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You know, everyone's just like, yeah-

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- So they say.

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- No, they do, they do.

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And we're often, you know,
hooking up with these people.

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And sometimes in these
hookup culture situations,

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one person likes someone
more than the other.

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And to me, a fuckboi
is kind of a perception

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of a situation, right?

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So if two people are hooking up,

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one person's like lukewarm
about that situation,

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the other person's pretty excited

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from what they know so far.

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I think it's on both
people a little bit, right?

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And in a sense that,

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you know, you have to
set upfront expectations,

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you have to set boundaries
for yourself and communicate.

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And if you don't,

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it's very easy to feel like
you've been fuckboi'ed, right?

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And sometimes, you know,

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again, like I say fuckboi's
have the best intentions.

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A well intentioned fuckboi
is still a fuckboi.

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- What's worse in your
mind, a fuckboi or a player?

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Because as we said, there's a difference,

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and one seems very intentional
about their deceit.

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- Yeah.

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- The other, you're arguing
that it's more accidental,

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more organic.

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What's worse?

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Because both hurt.

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- Yeah, well clearly I think
a player is worse, right?

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Because again, there's a
lack of any consideration

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for someone's feelings.

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I think a fuckboi situation has more to do

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with a lack of communication,
a lack of boundary setting,

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a lack of you know, setting expectations.

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And it's very easy,

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again, if you're having
sex in hookup culture,

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you have to be very honest

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about why you're choosing to participate.

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- Hmm, hmm, okay.

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- So what's worse?

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The player.

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What's more dangerous?

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The fuckboi.

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- Hmm, okay.

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Well speaking of fuckbois and players,

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let's talk about Leonard
DiCaprio for a second.

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- [Nick] Okay, yeah.

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- First of all, which one is he?

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- I don't know, yeah.

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- Based on your kind of observations,

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can we surmise that he's
a fuckboi or a player?

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- He might not be out either, you know?

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I don't know what
conversations Leo's having

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with the people he's
hooking up with, right?

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If Leo is setting upfront
expectations by saying,

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"This is a situation,

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these are my goals of this interaction.

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I just want to be very
clear about where I stand",

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he might not be either.

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You know, he just might be a guy

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who's enjoys having sex with anyone.

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- Anyone below the age of 25.

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- That might be true too.

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Yeah, I don't really know
who he's all hooking up with.

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I know what we hear,
but being sex positive,

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regardless of whether
you're a man or a woman,

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I don't think there's
anything wrong with that.

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Not communicating your intentions

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and then having other people assume,

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that's where the confusion leads in,

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that's where disappointment leads in.

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So he might not be either.

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He might just be a guy
who enjoys having sex

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with whoever he's having sex with.

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(upbeat music)