WEBVTT

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(groans) It's hot as balls.

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–Actually, that's incorrect.

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It is precisely hotter
than Satan's asshole.

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Thanks to visionary
computer scientist Jim Webb,

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we now have the official
profanity-based temperature scale,

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ranging all the way from “cold as Mars”

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at -7 degrees,

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all the way up to the eloquent
“hot as dick” at 92 degrees.

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–What is happening?

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–So if I were to say,
"Geez, it's only May

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and it's already hotter
than two rats [beep],”

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you would know the temperature is?

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-74?
-82!

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–Are you even listening?

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This is science.

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What renaissance man
Jim Webb did was utilize

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one of science's most powerful
and trusted instruments:

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Twitter.

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He collected 5,400 geo-located tweets

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that included phrases like “hot as blank”

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and “cold as blank” sent between
August 2017 and January 2018.

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If any of the phrases
appeared more than 10 times,

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J-Dubs would analyze the set and determine

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the median temperature based
on the tweet's location.

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And BAM!

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Like an alchemist mixing
geo-located words and meteorology,

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Jim Webb has bequeathed unto us mortals

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this infallible scale of temperature.

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Mmm, cold as balls.

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OK, can I leave now?

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But wait, there are
some words that possess

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the power of duality.

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For example, “hell” can mean
both hot and cold temperatures.

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Metaphysically weird?

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Sure.

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Scientifically accurate?

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Absolutely.

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There are numerous words that have been

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bestowed with this power, such as

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“dick,” “balls,” “Satan's
balls,” and well, “tits.”

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So it can be both as
cold or as hot as Mars?

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No, child.

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Some words can only represent hot or cold,

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and “Mars” only means cold.

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A “booger,” only cold.

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“The devil's dick,” only hot.

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And “two rats [beep],” only hot, obviously.

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–OK.

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–So there you go.

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Welcome to the future.

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[Beep] it's hot.

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Hey!

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You wanna hear my temperature scale?