hahaha! OMG I got so scared from that ( since I'm sitting in the dark on the couch, at night I'm my bloody basement!) and once I read the last part I was so relieved it made me laugh so hard!
I would ask "how do you not know that a bad-smelling wound means 'see the doctor immediately?'" but it's Jose Canseco.
Still had four of a kind.
Holy crap. I was having heart palpitations until you got to "Elmo."