Only one time did I have someone sit through an entire movie and then ask for their money back. It was the Scooby Doo movie sequel. The fucking sequel. This woman comes in, goes to the box office, and asks “How is the Scooby Doo sequel?” Not a single solitary one of us had actually watched it, in spite of it being…

It’s along the lines of the old joke, “The food here is terrible!” “Yes, and the portions are so small!”

“According to his children, the dad’s last words were- and I’m paraphrasing here, your Honor- “I want to see a manager, those grills marks look crunchy and I’m allergic to crunchy.”

I hope he gets eaten by alligators while being filmed by Fox and no one intervenes to help him because we wouldn’t want the alligator to feel any sort of guilt later.

Does it really solve the problem if we take the life of this tumor? Let's not compound a tragedy, the tumor stays. I'm not pretending this is easy.

Starred based on the title alone. Will read fully when I’m not at work. I’m so fucking SICK of hearing these on-the-fence, tapioca-pudding-chest-cavity-filled motherfuckers going “Well at least Trump is honest. It’s SO different.” OR “Hey, at least he’s speaking the truth.”

My first thought? Have a T-shirt made up that says “Jacksonville Asylum Staring Contest Champion 2011”

While no scientific studies have clearly shown a link between vaccines and autism, I’m definitely seeing one between Scientology and anti-vaxxer lunacy.

I had to deal with the Entourage trailer before watching Ex Machina. At the end of the trailer someone said Ugh, and the whole audience started laughing. It was awesome.

So, still "Sex and the City, for Men" then?

Our alumni threatened to withdraw support because we had to many gay men in our fraternity, and we wanted to do a Drag Show fundraiser.

If we want to get rid of this, I suggest that we rename the PATRIOT ACT the National Operational Protective Endorsement Necessary In Securing Engaging Security Act or, to abbreviate, the NOPENISES ACT.

My wife is one of these people...

exactly. which is why I don’t water my lawn at all anymore. :)

It’s worth it for the dialogue alone, “drop that zero and get with the hero”, HA!

I thought this tweet captured it pretty well:

I do this a lot at stores and things if I'm in line behind someone who is acting a fool over nothing. I don't "read the riot act," per se, because that usually just makes them more angry, but I stand back there and say things like "Are you really doing this right now?" or "Your temper tantrum is wasting everyone's…