If she lines up somewhere around the West end of the Breslin Center concourse, let her know that I peed in the stairwell before my commencement there ten years ago. That way we can be both alumni AND piss pals.

Well wait, she’ll probably be walking somewhere else because she’d be getting her PhD.

Eh, go split a bucket…

I went to Slayer’s farewell tour stop in Cincinnati and the biggest takeaway from that show were the amount of shirtless dudes with Nazi tattoos getting into fights with other shirtless dudes with Nazi tattoos.

You’ve never been to Bangkok, have you? 

“These lampshades need... special leather. Bring me more of my... special leather.” 

Pools are perfect for holding water.

I dunno, whoever they got for that jazzy piano rendition of Slayer’s “Dead Skin Mask” sure did a decent job for the theme song. 

Nah braj. “Rearranged” holds up and John Otto is a fantastic drummer. 

I wish people used the word “chud” more often. 

+1 piece of really dry white meat. 

“Dad, Coach Bowles doesn’t want you coming around the locker rooms anymore... he’s afraid you’re going to poop somewhere you shouldn’t.” 

Q: What do you call someone who is turned on by “Cats” and has a drinking problem?

A: Rum Tum Tugger.

That photo of Chubb and Butt standing next to each other in the tunnel is gonna be so great. 

Can’t beat a funeral that has its attendees singing along to the Crash Test Dummies.

“Hank, aren’t you a little ashamed of your ignorance?”
“Like just a little?”

“Yeah, constantly.” 

Dude your EP “Drink the butter, what’s the point” was fuckin’ sick. 

“I rue the day our pure meats became mud meats.” 

Ben McAdoo looks like a character from a Tim and Eric sketch about a football team. 

“Nah brah. I’m proud of the fact some dude elbowed the spoon into my esophagus. Sick war wound, shows that you’re alive.” 

Hey, he’s got to keep the rivalry with Pete Carroll going somehow. Pete believes 9/11 was an inside job, Jim believes chicken meat makes you nervous. Potato/Potahto.

Those sort of puns will give you a Bad Reputation.