I would only toast my bagels at home. (They also wouldn’t give you an open-faced dealio, either.) 

Lightly. Lightly! 

I realized when I wrote it that even lightly toasting my bagel would be considered an affront. The thing is, in order to break the rules, you have to know them first, and I know them.

Deep fried capers! OMG! (Claire, is that you) 

We’ve got an upcoming podcast episode with Jerry, too! Man, is he charming. 

Sam Irby is a national treasure. 

THANK you. 

You seem fun. 

Doctors: my right shoulder started hurting like a month ago and still hurts. I didn’t fall on it. I didn’t strain it doing anything particularly athletic. I can’t lift anything with that arm now nor can I push a door open. It doesn’t hurt when I’m not moving it. Yes, I could see my doctor, but the thing is that I am… Read more

I never learned, and tried to learn in an adult class and I failed. I was the only person who they basically gave up on. It was ... depressing. 

Image changed

Yeah, that was a mistake. Image changed, thanks

fixed

fixed!

fixed!

I HATE it when readers are right. Thank you, this was fixed! 

Dear esteemed physicians: My husband has some burst blood vessels in one eye. It looks terrible, feels like nothing. He posted a picture of his eye on Facebook for some reason and now all of our friends are telling him he should go to a doctor, it could be something serious. He does not wish to go to a doctor, being… Read more

That’s not a bad idea. Revised, for all you jokesters. 

Not true! See updates. 

fixed, thanks!