Someday, one of whacked-out demon leader Kim Jong Il's sons is going to inherit the porcelain throne that is North Korea's government. What makes the spawn of a psychotic despot tick?

Baby Winged Cupid's got competish! This French spot for Durex has a mystical used purple condom package that flies through town inspiring old folks, male cops and teens to do the nasty. That's right, teens.

American Idol charming kook Paula Abdul has not, we repeat, NOT received a contract for next season, which starts shooting in, um, three weeks. Is it the end of television? Will FOX fold? It's Armageddon!

The Post reports that 300 old school, "Heil Hitler" Nazis lurk in America, doing monstrosities like retiring in Michigan and tending flowers in Queens. Meanwhile, new school Nazis spread seeds of hate by makin' sweet love to Israeli women.

In a groveling open letter, Gov. Mark Sanford calls his whole affair his "funeral," negating all the warm fuzzies his sultry Argentinian shoved-under-the-rug soulmate felt from his love letters. Those flames of love burn, baby, burn.

In today's Times Magazine, former restaurant critic Frank Bruni vomits up a lot verbiage to describe how he'd purge his meals Roman-style in an effort to eat more, at the age of 1! Whoa, this is one bloated cover story.

The World's Oldest Man died at age 113 today in what we hope is not a publicity stunt to steal Walter Cronkite's thunder. His secret to longevity? Tons of smoking, boozing and sexing up the ladies. They all say that!

Episcopalians may implode on themselves in bloody civil war. As the only religion to step into the 21st Century, the U.S. Episcopal Church has declared Hell Yes to blessing same-sex unions. The global church is a-gonna raise hell.

The owner of a British manor house is stunned when recent renters host a masked ball that turns orgiastic, and Oprah's gala cruise for her staff turns into a floating bathhouse. Ah, the summer of love...

Eking out a 16th minute, housefrump-turned-household-name Susan Boyle sits with Today to voice soundbits with all the enthusiasm of a funeral director. Once more, with feeling, Suze! And Cowell, send her to Lee Strasberg, stat!

Fresh after this week's sobering slideshow of our troops in the Middle East, Matchbox toys comes out with an oddball ad campaign to spark kids' war fantasies of returning home draped in the American flag.

If they only had a heart. Upon seeing this week's spine-tingling video of Michael Jackson's '84 Pepsi ad accident, Pepsi and vid director Bob Giraldi don't give a shit. The international moment of dead pop star respect is officially finito.

Feeling sprightly after recovering from wrist surgery yesterday, Pope Benedict the &!# gives that corrupter of innocence Harry Potter and flagrant 'mosexual Oscar Wilde the thumbs up. It's another loony episode of "That's Our Benny!"