I’m sorry to announce that Ryan Lochte is dead.
Really makes you think. Is Ryan Lochte, in fact, a doggie? More importantly, is Ryan a GOOD doggie?
It’s only human to doubt. To doubt the existence of God. Of a higher power. Of a Creator. It’s normal, I think, to ask ‘why?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why him/her?’ I don’t think either are necessarily an innate human trait, but more something installed into every fiber of your being as the weight of a millennial existence — of…
It’s Sunday. That’s the day of Jesus. Jesus has a lot of followers, some are crazed. You know who else has a lot of crazed followers? Ryan Lochte.
So what do Waka Flocka, Martha Stewart and Ryan Lochte all have in common? Each have signed a Pine Bros. cough drop contract to be their spokesperson. (And maybe prison.)
Oh. Shit. Our boy is in some heat.
Hey, do you know where your girl is? ‘Cause Ryan Lochte does. He just stole your girl.
Ryan Steven Lochte is a 32-year-old man. Ryan Steven Lochte is a 12-time Olympic medalist, six of which are gold. Ryan Steven Lochte is a (technical) college graduate. (He went to the University of Florida.)
When the Chicago White Sox signed Cuban defector Jose Abreu to a six-year, $68 million deal, the expectation was that he would be worth his money, and the hope was that he would be be the next slugging first baseman/DH in the line of team greats Frank Thomas and Paul Konerko. It turned out to be a pretty solid bet.
Without knowing it, Chicago Cubs rookie slugger Javier Baez pays homage to Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion with each swing. He takes big giant cuts and hits big giant homers. The problem is, the equal and opposite reactions to the mechanics that generate all that power render the other parts of his swing wildly…
It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand. Who doesn't know what constantly feeling alone is like. Who doesn't fantasize about yanking their steering wheel left into the concrete median or dying in a plane crash.