You. Yeah, you regular commenters. WTF is your damage? Who wastes their time becoming valued, consistently funny regulars on some total dipstick’s food blog?! NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS.

Hey guys, just here to brighten your fucking weekend, because we needed more good news about murderous, heavily-armed shitheads right now. Good times.

Thanks to the downing of a Russian Su-24 fighter, Russia is declaring war...on Turkish food imports. Because this is a tactic that has worked so well for them lately.

Look, sometimes you just have to rubble rubble, or at least the Australian equivalent.

McDonald’s allegedly did a shitty thing? McDonald’s allegedly did a shitty thing!

Y’know. Just robbing a Dairy Queen with a sword. As one does.

In a ruling as unusual as it is heartening for wage advocates, a Papa John’s franchise owner has been sentenced to 60 days in jail for wage theft.

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. This week, we’ve got stories of customers who defy all logic and reason. As always, these are real e-mails from real readers.

Sanitation is important in restaurants, where health code violations are frequently a problem. The dumbest possible way to attempt to combat this problem, however, is with mandatory glove laws.

It is physically impossible for me to love a story with that headline any more than I already do.

Oh, hey, look at that: according to a new study, Yelp reviews appear to have a tendency to be racist, as well as all the other negative qualifiers you’d care to lob their way. Fancy that.

Joe’s Crab Shack has been testing out eliminating tipping at some locations in potential preparation for a national roll-out of the policy, and honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about it.

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. This week, let’s all restore our collective faith in humanity with stories of some of the best restaurant customers out there. As always, these are real e-mails from real readers.

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. As a special Weekend BCO, we’ve got stories of celebrities in restaurants—the good, the bad, and the Colonel Sanders. As always, these are real e-mails from real readers.

Minnesota: Land of 1000 Restaurant Altercations, apparently.

A McDonald’s employee and a customer were engaged in a fight through the restaurant’s drive-thru, and each has a differing account of what happened. Guess whose account appears to be the more accurate one?

It’s not often enough that the universe throws us a story about a corporation suffering under the heel of delicious irony. I am happy to report that today, it has done so.

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. Ask and ye shall receive: this week, we have stories of revenge taken on terrible customers and bosses, either by employees or by the universe itself. As always, these are real e-mails from real…

Well, that’s a new one.