Oh, man, my laugh is so fucking loud. Seriously, I’m so sorry if you’ve been in the theater for a comedy with me.

What the fuck kind of response is that? “We live in a shitty era” is now an excuse for poorly conceived and executed writing?

I figured out somewhere along the way that this is supposed to be satire, but really it’s just trash.

1. Cry into its pudding, I assume.

Serious offer: I will actually pay you, Gizmodo Media, to let me copy edit your content.

Someone’s beaten him to the punch: https://coinmarketcap.com/currencies/trumpcoin/

The sad part is that the newly edited version is also grammatically incorrect.

“You’re not a hardcore Zionist! That means you hate Jews!” Eat a dick.

It’s his dentures.

Slow your roll, bro. Due process is for court cases, not elections.

Except that these stories are a load of bullshit. The latest one is literally “he squeezed my waist.” And I 0% believe that he tried to kiss someone unsolicited and then said “it’s my right as an entertainer.” What a crock of shit.

1. Skip the Liberty Bell. It’s just a broken bell with a long line. You can see it from the outside. That’s good enough.

Star for you, sir. Top-hole satire.

This has got to be in the running for worst comment of the day (pedantry category).

Fact check: That dinosaur was outside the Capitol.

Who would ever complain about looking at her? Idiots. Idiots, that’s who.

I mean... he was a more-than-competent quarterback, which basically makes you top 15 (if not better) automatically. There just aren’t a lot of good NFL quarterbacks anymore.

Thanks, but I prefer to wave my penis around all by myself in the comfort of my own home.

“Satire” now means “writing a mix of things you mean and don’t mean in such a way that you can semi-plausibly explain away the crazier things you said by claiming you were just kidding”?

1. Fuck Charlie Sheen. Fuck Hugh Hefner, fuck Tucker Carlson, fuck Big Ben, and Woody Allen is a creepy dude. I didn’t “conveniently leave them out”; all these lists are only partial. They don’t get a pass for the way they’ve behaved — not from me, at least.