SmaugsWife
SmaugsWife
SmaugsWife

When I was moonlighting as a bartender, a liver fluke came into the joint, slopped down in a corner booth and snapped his fingers to get a cocktail waitress.

...and trying to bargain his way into the table ("I'll just sit here until they come! It'll be fine!").

One of my first full-time jobs was at this incredibly busy hotel kitchen in Rotorua (NZ). We had a bunch of chefs and one of them was this French chef with a really bad temper, he took special delight in terrorizing the dishwashers. The hardest working, worst paid of the staff (aside from the laundry staff, those

Instead of punching her in the face, like I wanted to, I said, "how 'bout I don't charge you for the haircut, and we'll call it even?"

EXCUSE ME, I AM WEARING DIOR.

Best Mad Libs ever. Glad you're still with us, Erin, while stupid Tracie and dumb Lindy leave [kicks rock]. (Jk, love those girls too.)

We do not approve. (But we'll miss you terribly.)

I'd rather tell them all privately what they mean to me as we ride on a stripper pole party bus to Medieval Times tonight that Gawker is paying for.

Tracie, I've loved working with you here and cannot wait to see what you have up your sleeve at your new job with [REDACTED COMPANY]. I'll never forget the time the entire Jezebel staff [REDACTED SUBSTANCE] on your roof and then took [REDACTED SUBSTANCE] while sharing our mutual weird sex fantasies about [REDACTED

This guy is going to kill someone someday. Heaven help anyone in front of him in line who gets the last cookie or movie ticket.

Fast fashion is way too expensive for the crummy quality, IMO. Find a thrift store in an affluent community. Your closet will be loaded with things from Banana Republic, BCBG, United Colors of Benneton, J Jill and the like, and it will cost 1/3 the price of some fast fashion, and last 3x as long.

When I was married, our puppy somehow got up on the bathroom vanity and ate my contact lens case, which contained my contact lenses. My husband thought it would be a good idea if I just waited until Holly pooped and then see if the contacts were there, so that I could still use them.

Settle down, Self Righteous McJudgy Pants. There's a whole lot of info you don't know here. Why didn't Alice call someone? Maybe she doesn't have a voice that works. Not exactly outside the realm of possibility for an octogenarian. Why didn't she wheel her ass around to get someone to assist her? Maybe she was in the