Face Merkins, I can't stop giggling. It is quite embarrassing at this point. I have very full eyebrows that I never plucked into oblivion. I approve of this trend making a comeback.

Whatever i'm still waiting for the long curly black hair growing out of your chin that you don't notice for 6 months to come into style.

"...why not just have regular cops with their regular firearms arrest him?"

I love how he can handle a woman covered in two-week-old butter but armpit hair is a bridge too far.

wait, is this your first encounter with the phrase Jesus tapdancing Christ?

Speaking as a straight white guy, if other straight white guys are saying this and not getting at least pepper-sprayed for it, things apparently aren't hard enough.

Cue the white boys flooding in to complain about how prejudice everyone is against white men and how haaaaaaaarrrrrrd they have it and blah blah, something about racism towards white men.

I didn't work food service at all, but here are my favorite stupid customer stories. I worked at a T-Shirt/Gift shop in Lake George NY. This is the Adirondack Mountains region, its very pretty, water and green trees and mountains everywhere.

One customer grabs a T-Shirt from our display, it has a pair of hiking boots…

The fuck? Are these pills or a periodic table? PUN INTENDED

What's even scarier than this?

I would eat there every fuckin' day.

You didn't call them grits? That's how I explain both foods to people. "What's polenta?" Grits for snobs. "What are grits?" Polenta for rednecks. (And they are both awesome! Polenta is more likely to have herbs in it, but grits are more likely to be smothered in cheddar cheese, so it's a toss-up.)

"Our sandwich is served with old jews. Plural. Specifically, Max and Morty will accompany the sandwich."

Oh man. Manager should have got that razorbitch to double down by calling the police and asking her to file a report, then blow the whole thing wide open.

Ooo, I'll bite.

Go right ahead. Please leave notification to your next of kin before you go. So we will know who to post pictures of when we nominate you for a Darwin Award.

Pardon my piling on; with respect, such a comment should include the proper mode of address. The correct formulation, I think you'll find, is "Do you even scuba dive, bro?"

And your feet off the coral. If I had a dollar for each time I saw a diver step on the coral or let their fins smack the coral as they swim away, I'd have a lot of wet money!

Corrected for clarity!