(Lee Jury and Lee Executioner were not cited in the column.)

If the 49ers want to stop drunk driving they should allow everyone to sleep in their cars after games. Not just Jim Tomsula.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bartender: [flips switch that causes the first half of next week’s game to continue forever ad infinitum]

I’m so tired of Ben Roethlisberger trying to shove his shit down people’s throats.

At least she isn’t allowed to vote.

Or finishing that video game...

Nothing stopping him from running for president now

Roger. It’s not your fault.

Hey he sold that house!

“Man, that looks way better than a barrel!”

Yeah, cause he didn’t look like an idiot already with “QUACKENBUSH” across his back.

I always ride the Zipper, always. It is worth the risk and truly the only ride that matters.

I remember back when MTV used to show music videos about crying!

I am the imp of the diamond. I am the chief trickster of swingball. I will fool the men in the pressed slacks and bend their mind with my foibles. Look over here at what I have in this hand, Rule King. Oh no, friend. It was what I had over here in this hand, the one I didn’t want you to spy with your pig’s eyes, that…

“we found that fully 20% of identifiable ESPN signups came from women.”

“Also staggering math numbers? The millions you stole from us, shitbag.”

How’d it go?? It went terrible! They did the Holocaust!!

There’s a lot to process in this comment.

1. If you can’t find the Big Dipper, you might be in the southern hemisphere. I know, I’ve never heard of that place either.

Teams just do not melt down at that temperature!