As true as it is that this was un-self-aware on Rice's part (not to mention the ridiculousness of the tweet), press conferences like this are stagecraft. There is no way that an organization like the Ravens didn't prep these two ahead of time. That means that someone in their communications shop coached Janay Rice to…

"Sometimes in life, you gotta go to the bathroom." -Ben Roethlisberger

Why wouldn't the Ravens be made up of murders?

So... if we hop aboard the Ray Rice train of thought, his wife is a failure for not getting up after he pummeled her.

Clay Travis: Yeah, finally! That scumbag Ray Rice is going to get what he deserves for his actions!

Interestingly enough, Milton Bradley also said the ball should be treated like your wife

Lawyer: Mrs. Sterling, here are the facts. You now have total control over an absolute disaster. It's a bloated, empty carcass that's been completely and horrifically mismanaged over the past three decades. I'm going to do the best I can, but you may have to settle at a certain point.

Asked about putting a hot dog "between his penis," Manziel declined to comment beyond saying, "I'm frankly split on the issue."

It's like Hunter couldn't believe both of his i's.

Several Cubs hitters, upset with the situation and pressure associated with it, anonymously stated that they would prefer a return to an underwear stitcher.

[stares at GIF for hours]

Angling for that HLN gig, eh lady? Close, but the big dog won't go easily.

♪ The o-line it is stacked
Yet Saban curses his cast
The slow running back now
Will be subbed off real fast
And the present quarterback now
Throws another incomplete pass
The depth chart is
Rapidly fadin'
And the field goal attempt now
Will be missed like the last
For the tides they are a-rollin' ♪

He was just explaining the latest drug craze, where you make a joint with laundry detergent.

Roll Tide!

How did Deadspin obtain Pat Burrell's wedding invitation list?

Witnesses say the bar fight before his was significantly more impressive to the point that they're not even sure why a guy who's never won a bar fight before would even start one at that bar.

My dog Hrbark will love it. The guy really knows how to lift a leg.

You know, both explanations are possible. I had an "incomplete wipe" this morning, and I've been haunted by it all day.