Well, periods are supposed to be divine punishment anyway, right? So obviously these heinously painful periods are probably these girls’ faults. :/

That’s the kind of Christmas I could get behind. That, and Jesus and I totally share a religion and most political views! But try telling the Mormons that.

Speak for yourself.

I think I would like Christmas a lot more if the Christian half of my family drank or allowed people to drink around them.

I’m abandoning Christmas this year. I’m not fucking Christian and I’m not fucking going back to Utah. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME

Me too, friend. And I am well within stumbling distance from my apartment.

My bestie always has a box of red wine in the fridge specifically for calimoxos. It is probably why we were friends in the first place.

It had never occurred to me that Matt McGorry in real life would be funny and charming (I kind of hate his characters on OITNB/HTGAWM). This is a pleasant surprise.

Hey Daniel, is that you?

I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t call a cab/Uber. I do this pretty frequently, and I don’t even qualify as middle class! I also have the good sense not to bring my car with me when I’m about to go drinking, so there’s no danger of drunk-me making bad automotive decisions.

My great-grandparents were first cousins. :(

Yeah, I super don’t understand the relation, except that they’re not related? I’d draw a picture but I don’t care that much.

(Once I drew a picture to figure out how, exactly, Liz Lemon was related to The Hair.)

This is fascinating. Where can I learn more?

I have Pokemoned my way through several restaurants and have never actually managed to do it in the establishment itself. I feel there will always be a part of me that will regret never having sex in a walk-in.

I’ve worked in three high-end service positions where, for parties of less than four, you do not clear anyone’s plate until everyone’s eating. An Austrian (I think? something like that) count once gave me a nice-but-firm mini-lesson about it on my first day at a yacht club.

But at every place I’ve worked where it…

As a super broke student it was fun to get back into your winter coats in November and almost always have coffee money in your pockets already.

Hell yes.

I was suspicious it might be. So much for that.

Each day I write in my diary with an antique fountain pen that I fill with liquid ink using an eyedropper. My inkwell and the blotter I use to dry the ink on each page before I turn it are antiques from the 1890s; I buy my ink from a company founded in 1670. My sealing wax for personal letters comes from the same…

That’s the one half of my family. If I was on my mom’s side, I would’ve been a pregnant and barefoot sister-wife in the budding territory of Utah. After walking for months with a handcart, of course.