THIS GUY Mike Vick, I call him dark chocolate, because if you don't keep an eye on him your dog could wind up dead.

THIS GUY Junior Seau, I call him Rocky Road, because... What, too soon? For Deadspin???

THIS GUY Kerry Rhodes, I call him 3 Musketeers, because I'm pretty sure the whole story involves a few dudes and their swords.

THIS GUY Norv Turner, I call him Curly Wurly, because his neck looks like Sharon Stone after a Brazilian.

THIS GUY Ryan Lochte, I call him Baby Ruth, because he is pretty good, but sometimes he looks like he's a piece of shit and you're pretty sure you should disinfect your pool, just in case.

John Gruden Athlete Halloween

Is his new sack celebration the Chicken Dance? I know he has a 'backup plan' to raise poultry but that's ridiculous!

"I don't care how bad it is, I want it fattier!"

Raider Fan, ladies and gentlemen! The gift that keeps on giving.

Pshaw, I recently went untouched for 185 days.

as if he were a stretched-out David Eckstein.

{Starts to tweet 'Congrats on 44 backflips at a school!'}

Please, the only vets associated with the Yankees lately have been the ones prescribing beaver hormones to A-Rod.

What do you do to come down after this, speedballs and Red Bull?

Agree, I see it as plastic surgery to turn the ugly baby pumpkins into 'pretty' ladies like the one in the Renoir (Cassatt?) portrait on the left.

No. No one does.

"My chicks don't get pregnant. Or can't anymore. Whichever." - Bill Belichick

With Rae Carruth doing a follow-up session in about five months...

That's two in a couple of days for me. MRSA, the gift that on giving!

thus negating cornerback Darrelle Revis's primary skill holding out. There, fixed that for you.