Elton John: Don't worry, Michael, it gets bett-

Because Rob Ford or Bugs Bunny sawing off Florida would've been too timely and relevant.

Ugh, why is this getting so many recommendations?

Despite not being in any sort of physical danger, Zimmerman still plans to shoot DMX.

Yeah, hard to understand why NBC would want to sell more ads during what is the #1 show on television...

A missing ring in Russia? What a shocker.

the show's artistic director said a stage manager was to blame

The rampant corruption was represented by the fact that they have the Olympics in the first place.

Apparently Sochi isn't the only major sporting event where they monitor your BM closely.

It's still a more functional Left Eye than Lisa Lopes.

Justin Bieber: [Laces up skates]

I tried to watch that video, but it was blocked.

Somebody murdered my brother. Now, I'm seeking vengeance the only way I know how: by taking local businesses to task for not salting the stairs out front of their establishments and putting the health and safety of their customers at risk. Have you been hurt in a fall? Fuckin' call me, bra.

- Daddy, what do you do when you go to work?

Who knew Buster was a truther?

"Dammit! The Broncos defense was supposed to be running security for these press conferences!"

The NFC championship game was the best two teams in the NFL.

My grandparents immigrated here from Italy in the 1930's, and very eagerly and proudly became citizens. Part of that process REQUIRED them to learn english. To their dying days while maintaining great pride in their European heritage, they though of themselves first and foremost as American citizens, as they had…

"New Jersey sucks," some people shouted as they came off the New York trains.