Right?? There's no shame in looking for a hookup - there are plenty of sites or even gals in bars on the prowl for some lovin'. But when you come out guns blazing from the starting gate, telling me you want to put your penis in my mouth, then hard pass. (Emphasis on hard.) I'm genuinely curious if that's ever worked…

Assuming this exchange is from this month...that's not even THAT much money (also assuming he makes that much each quarter, which he probably doesn't). $128,000 / year is nothing to sneeze at but it's not private-jet-to-Cap-d'Antibes money. (I said this above, but graysgraysgrays :( )

Not me. My sheets are made of (organic) garlic. And I use garlic as a wall decoration. And I eat a lot of garlic.

At one time when I was working in a kitchen, I had my septum pierced and always wore a bandana skull-cap style to keep my long hair back. One day, a really little kid saw me walking back into the kitchen and stopped me and asked if I was a pirate. I paused for like two seconds and then said "Yes. Yes I am a…

I disapprove of tucking. I'm an anti-tucker! First thing I do when I get to a (my) hotel room is to untuck that shiz! A tucked bed is a foot jail. I am not a mummy!

Unless Forbes has listed your net worth, you really shouldn't be bragging about your money. Even then, it's gauche, but you're just stating facts already in evidence and you kind of get a pass because can I borrow some money?

Exactly. You shouldn't brag about your income to start with, but even if you're tacky enough to do it, that isn't nearly enough money to be worth bragging about.

It's not bragging money at all (not that any descent person should ever brag about their income or assets). I know wee Account Managers that make far more. Oh, I wish he knew that. The texts he would send ...

I was walking quickly once, wearing a long black raincoat (it was raining), and a 5 or 6 year old kid asked me if I was Batman. I told him I wasn't, and have since always regretted missing the opportunity to be Batman.

He monograms thermoses, doesn't he.

One time at a Dodger game a bunch of Japanese tourists thought I was William Petersen. You want me now, don't you? Because I'm so fucking superior.

I seriously read your last sentence and said, "Oh girl. No." Out loud.

"Do you know how much money I've made in the past three months? Like, dozens of hundreds. Dozens."

Something similar to this happened to me the other day, except not on Tinder. My friend has been seeing this douchebag guy who hit on me openly at her birthday the entire time. He asked for my number, and usually I'd tell him to fuck off, but because I didn't want to cause a scene at her birthday thing, I just gave…

"Bitch, [members of racial group] always think I'm [celebrity]" is the hot new way to assert your superiority. Bitch, South Koreans always think I'm Charles Manson.

Is that one of those things like when people say "all (insert ethnicity here) look alike"? And do, say, Asians not think he looks like Ashton Kutcher? So much is confusing about that assertion beyond the fact that he thinks that makes him cool.

Well, that changes everything!

I don't get it. Are they trying to be the family from Step Brothers? Because you're supposed to hate that family because they're the worst.

Well, and let's be real: I don't know about you, but if somebody told me I could make $20,000,000 just my filming my wedding, you bet your ass I'm going to film the fuck out of my wedding. Shit, I'd do it for $2,000.

FBI Tech: "Sir, he discovered the decoy transmitter just as you anticipated!"