And you spelled Beverage wrong in your name too!!!! ROWR!!!!

I bet this guy's shoes are tied in little Nazis.

Since 2005, Savattere has tried, and failed, to father children with Jay Fiedler, Ray Lucas, Brian Griese, A.J. Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Gus Frerotte, Joey Harrington, Dante Culpepper, Cleo Lemon, Trent Green, John Beck, Chad Pennington, Chad Henne, Tyler Thigpen and Matt Moore...

"Can't be with the sweet stuff. Nah"

I think it's more probable that God is just intimidated by Ray Lewis.

+1 Hold on to your butts.

Sometimes, people commit crimes AGAINST football players, and the police are needed to watch over the retaliation to make sure no skill position players break a hand.

I remember when Cedric Benson got caught stealing a TV set, and the Texas judge ordered him to rush for 300 yards against Baylor.

This story should have been decoded into something that makes more sense for him:

And playing Fluffy Bunny nonstop (as pictured).

I guess he'll have to lay off the Latkes and Hamentashen. A couple games of dreidel a day should keep him in shape.

The only thing that would top this story is if Te'o' comes out as gay and gets drafted as the first openly gay active pro athlete. It's literally the only thing I can think of that he can actually not be crushed by the public for. AMIRITE?

Would the only way for this story to be harder to explain to someone else who hadn't read/heard about it be if all the people's names were Russian? I'm having a hard time with Te'o' and Tuiasosospaposps and Kukkuuaua...