I like the cut of your jib, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

I think in their case it's the husband doing all the influencing.

I bought a bunch of these from Target. They've become my go-to gift for dudes I want to smash. They love it and think I'm suuuch a coooool chick. Hulk hands have become part of my actual rap. Sorry fellas. Just tryin' to get in yo draws.

Sorry for the hyperbole. It was only nearly 29 million cars after all.

HE SELLS MONOGRAMMED COFFEE THERMOSES (PROBABLY).

Here's an easier version in flow chart form:

oh shit.... what people don't realize is that he's a postmaster... but he's also a general:

So basically we are all deep down just fetid anal drippings wrapped in a meaningless social construct? I like it!

Thirty years ago, I spied my husband in a class called "Literature of the Absurd." He was tall and had brown eyes. He looked smart. I was ready to move.

I don't like other people telling me what to do. But if I had to lead, I'd send 3 people forward, and 2 people guard in the back.

An ion walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I think I lost an electron on the way in."

What?

Please, please let us make this a thing.

I feel like this is now an acceptable response to the more ridiculous comments on Jezebel. EXCUSE YOU, I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. I SELL MONOGRAMMED COFFEE THERMOSES.

Good advice but why no women in any of the stock photos?

Looks like an ugly bunker? Solution: make it look like a GLORIOUS BUNKER

true vegans despise almost everything

If you only do one thing in this review, listen to the song near the top.

Boulders are salty. Definitely salty.