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"It's been a rough couple of years for my family. There have been land disputes, a few nasty feuds, several imprisonments and a beheading. But perhaps our most celebrated misfortune was what has come to be known as The Brown Wedding.

Regular Kitchenette readers: Behind Closed Ovens will not be appearing today due to the Memorial Day holiday — it'll be back tomorrow, though! Should be a good one this week, too.

Are you a fan of non-chocolate bar assorted candies? How about completely arbitrary internet rankings? Well, then,

Oh good, another person who didn't read the actual post, where it says the following: