This isn’t true for string cheese

“It looks like you’re trying to keep your leg in one piece. Can I help?”

Austin Rivers is the Clippy of basketball players. He’s clearly trying to help, but even at his best, he’s annoying as all fuck.

“See what happens when you let players take a knee? Failing NFL now harming NBA! Sad!”

Late in last night’s win over the Los Angeles Lakers, Austin Rivers fell onto Blake Griffin’s knee while scrambling with Lonzo Ball for a loose ball.

I’m gonna go ahead and guess that the football team has no right to handle discipline internally when it comes to a student being assaulted.

“He’s fine.” — New Orleans Saints concussion protocol staff

I can’t find video of it but if you owned Smash Brothers for the n64, selected computer control for four jigglypuffs at the lowest ability setting, you ended up with a match in which it is plausible that our president is at the controls.... Jigglypuffs walking off platforms, not knowing how to get on the platform and…

and in a putrid AFC that record currently has them in a wild card spot

Waaaait a minute. This guy isn’t even a real coach. He’s just a guy Irsay hired because he says crazy things that blows his mind when he’s on an opioid induced stupor, isn’t he? It all makes too much goddamn sense now.

He’s dead, like all of our souls. Shove a half pound of roast beef into the void where your soul’s corpse rots to keep it company. Eat Arby’s.

What does this have to do with football?

I could see this as good place to go for a date for a few reasons: 1) Both parties know “what you see is what you get” 2) Everyone else in the place will probably be older since the pricing can be a little cost prohibitive for the younger set and thus I could look good by comparison 3) I don’t have to worry about my…

I can see this—but personally, I’d still advocate for Kevin, if only for their shared obsession with the number 69.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Gronk is basically Kevin Malone from the Office, but really good at football.

Yeah, you know, it really works. Trump is five INTs-in-a-half bad at presidenting, while Clinton would’ve given us 200 yards, 1 TD, and no picks in presiding over an unexciting but marginally effective bureaucracy that wins games 16-10.

And when given a chance to recant on the decision, most of the supporters doubled down on their logic. So McDermott really is a fitting analog for this hellscape we’re trying to navigate through.

It should be very easy to pick between those two options for the rest of the season.

Sean, when the British Royal Family is officially more comfortable with a black person entering than you are with a black QB, it’s time for some soul searching, brother